Hair (not Long but still Beautiful)

I cut off my hair. Not all of it – there’s about an inch or so on the top, but the sides and back are trimmed very close.

I’m nearly 40. I weigh more than is healthy (just over 285 lbs). And I don’t look good with short hair.

Well…okay, so maybe the last part isn’t true.

I have a friend who needs a wheelchair and doesn’t always feel attractive. At some point in her life, she decided to ask herself the following question every time she wanted to do something, but didn’t feel like it was appropriate for her:

“what if I was beautiful what would I do then?”

Well, I love that. So much. I’m almost 40 and I have spent probably my entire life not feeling pretty enough, skinny enough, healthy enough to do things. I have low self-esteem. I am not self-confident. I am not pleased with my weight or my body shape (most of the time).

But I’ve always wanted really, really short hair! Like buzzed to within millimeters of my scalp short, really. And I’ve been afraid of people staring at me, or of my boss being angry, or my coworkers laughing at me.

But what my friend said stuck. And I was feeling really good on Wednesday, and again on Thursday, so I did it.

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I am thrilled with it. It’s shorter in the back than I asked for, but it will grow out, and I actively refuse to be anything but thrilled with it. I’m not worried what my boss is going to say. I didn’t worry what my coworkers were going to say (okay, I did a little). And anytime I’m asked if I got my hair cut, I get excited and smile (I usually don’t like my smile – so much gum) and explain the obvious:

Yes. All of them.

And yes, I like it.

Featured image by Brian Ceccato on Unsplash
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Feeling Gorgeous

While this isn’t a comment on how I feel visually, I do feel rather gorgeous today. I’m feeling positive, strong, vibrant, and best of all, happy.

Depression runs in my family, and while I haven’t ever gone in to be diagnosed, I am certainly susceptible to serious depressive moods. I am often very hard on myself, insulting myself, hating the way I look, comparing my actions to those who are more comfortable in their own skin – or at least better at faking it than I am.

But today, none of that is bothering me. At all. I’m not sure why, but I’m not going to question it deeply.

I’m just going to enjoy it. I’m going to list as many things as I’m grateful for now, in an attempt to capture the feeling for the next time I’m down.

I have a notebook for that now, by the way. I always list three things I’m grateful for every morning (almost every morning) in my bullet journal, but I decided the new notebook that found its way to my desk is destined to be a gratitude journal.

And doodles. I like doodling. 🙂

Photo by Jonas Weckschmied on Unsplash